20 week update

How far along? ~ 20 weeks. halfway!!

Size of Baby: Small cantaloupe I guess? TheBump is weird.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Up around 4 pounds I think. We had an appointment yesterday but it was late in the day, after two meals and 60 ounces of water. The rest of my appointments have all been beginning of the day, so it feels like it’s not really comparable.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely a small bump and while I have one pair of jeans that still fits, my shirts are kind of short so I’m moving to all maternity shirts. My best friend gifted me with three HUGE bags of clothes. Awesome. And I wore a pair of her maternity capris that were the most comfy things ever.

Sex of Baby:  At our appointment yesterday we confirmed that it is DEFINITELY a boy. No questions.

Belly Button In/Out: In

Stretch Marks: Nope

Labor Signs: Nope

Movement: Still not really. But he was doing plenty of moving on the ultrasound yesterday. Super cute!

Sleep: I’m sleeping with a towel wrapped around me..some of it bunched up under my stomach and some bunched under my back. Going to back to having some insomnia, but overall not too bad.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing particular but last night after nearly hitting the floor while grocery shopping I realized I probably have to eat more. No joke.

Symptoms: Still mid-back pain and pain around my sternum/under my right boob. The OB yesterday said if symptoms get worse they can check me for gallstones but at this point she thinks it’s just my ribs stretching. Which, if they didn’t use that as a torture method in medieval times, they really should have.

Feeling: Still excited, got some paint samples yesterday and looking forward to getting the nursery painted and then putting together the crib, moving the glider in there and we have nursery furniture (a desk and a dresser) scheduled to arrive in July.

Best Moment this Week: Hearing that our fetal echo was a completely normal study. Seeing him all flipping around on the follow up ultrasound and hearing that everything looks great.

What I Miss: Still nothing, I’m doing fine…I don’t really miss booze all that much and I’m not limiting what I eat, just making good choices.

What I am Looking Forward To: Painting the nursery, starting to figure out a final name (we have one we’re leaning towards) and finishing up our registry

Milestones: Being halfway there!!!

Baby Milestones: He’s doing well, his heart is fine, all his parts look great. Seems like he’s doing what he’s supposed to in there.

Next Appointment: Jun 19th, just for a quicky with the OB. Nothing too exciting.

18 week update

How far along? 18 weeks

Size of Baby: Sweet potato..at our ultrasound on Friday he was around 10 ounces.

Total Weight Gain/Loss: At my last appointment I was down 5 pounds and got a frowny face from the nurse. But I think my first two weigh-ins were SO ridiculously high due to bloat that I’m actually just weighing in normally  now. I think I’m probably up maybe a pound from my normal pre-pregnancy bloat weight.

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but it’s definitely coming. I’m starting to feel a little rounder and I’m down to one pair of jeans. I still just look chubby though.

Sex of Baby:  We had our anatomy scan on Friday and found out that we’re having a BOY!!! To be honest, I’d been having strong boy feelings the whole time and if they had said it was a girl, I would’ve been surprised (yes, I know there are only two options, but still).

Belly Button In/Out: In

Stretch Marks: Nope

Labor Signs: Nope

Movement: Not really. At our ultrasound he was moving like CRAZY though. It’s weird that I can’t feel him but I know he’s tiny still.

Sleep: I’m sleeping fine for the most part but sometimes wake up due to back pain

Cravings/Aversions: I’ve been kind of obsessed with fresh fruit popsicles, but other than that, nothing really. I’ve definitely moved past any aversions I might have had (broccoli!) and am now eating anything. And I’m highly suggestible. If Jon mentions something that may be tasty I have an immediate “ohhhhh..lets eat that right now!” feeling.

Symptoms: mid-back pain and pain around my sternum/under my right boob. It feels like my ribs are trying to break themselves in half. Not a fun time. Tylenol does not help and an ice pack really only helps for the time I have it on the area.

Feeling: I’m far more excited now that we know the gender. Before I was obviously psyched about the baby in general, but now I’m feeling like it’s much more real.

Best Moment this Week: Letting my mom know it’s a boy, setting her free on the internet to help me plan a nursery theme. Jon being excited and looking forward to things. It’s just been a fun week.

What I Miss: Really, nothing.

What I am Looking Forward To: Movement, starting to figure out a nursery theme, maybe figuring out infant care classes soon.

Milestones: Anatomy scan was awesome, we’re almost halfway which is kind of surreal.

Baby Milestones: Has all his limbs, was moving like crazy, the heart structure and brain both look great. We got the lowest possible odds of Downs, trisomy issues and NT issues which is reassuring and in general things seems perfect so far.

Next Appointment: May 23rd we have a follow up ultrasound because they couldn’t see the base of his spine, then a quick OB appointment and then a fetal echocardiogram because one of the children born to our donor was born with ASD and VSD (two holes in chambers of the heart) and therefore we’re at an increased risk – 2% as opposed to 1% in the general public. These holes sometimes close on their own but sometimes require surgery and my OB wants us to have all the information and be prepared just in case.

14 week update

How far along? 14 weeks

Size of Baby: TheBump says a lemon

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I’m netting pretty even. No weight gain yet. The first few weeks I was definitely heavier and bloated but things seemed to have fixed themselves/settled down.

Maternity Clothes: Nope, still in all my own clothes.

Gender: Nothing yet

Belly Button In/Out: In

Stretch Marks: Nope

Labor Signs: Nope

Movement: Notyet

Sleep: I’m definitely over the bad insomnia that I was having which is great. I’ve been going to bed early, waking up once at night to go to the bathroom and going right back to sleep. It’s been pretty great.

Cravings/Aversions: The first few weeks I was all about sweet stuff  which is unlike me since I am usually a salty foods fan. Now things are more status quo, not having any strong cravings or aversions.

Symptoms: Getting over really bad constipation, but other than that no symptoms to speak of. Feeling pretty normal.

Feeling: I think the whole thing still feels really surreal. I feel like we should be doing more to prepare and get ready and figure out what we have to do, but in general things are normal. I think once I start getting a bump it will feel more real, but all we’ve really done is register for a childbirth class at our OB’s office..

Best Moment this Week: Giving my mom the thumbs up to tell everyone she wants. She was psyched.

What I Miss: Not much. A glass of chilled white wine on the back deck a little bit, but no big deal really.

What I am Looking Forward To: In general I’m looking forward to Jon’s birthday next week and seeing The Book of Mormon.

Milestones: Made it to the 2nd tri with no major issues.

Next Appointment: 2nd half a blood test and a short OB visit on April 24th

Typical…

So typical. Finally get pregnant, completely stop blogging.

Honestly though, if I had been blogging the last..ouch, two months, whoops…it would all be pretty boring.

Today marks 13w6d and not all that much is going on. Weeks 6-8 I felt kind of crappy. I was nauseous but not vomiting, Some smells made me gaggy (steamed broccoli? Ohmigod stop) and I was a little tired but had insane insomnia.

I went to Vegas with my husband and sister around week 8 and 9 and had a great time, no issues. Went to Prague around week 11 with no problems, felt fine, walked around the whole city and enjoyed most of it except for the extreme cold.

Went in for blood & ultrasound for Integrated Screening at 12w4d (last week) and everything went well. The NT scan showed no measurements that were of concern for Downs syndrome and I just have to go in next week for the 2nd half of a blood test to see if any other hormonal changes indicate any concern for other chromosomal issues.

Overall, I feel totally normal. I’m sleeping better, have no lingering nausea or sickness, had a (TMI) run with some serious constipation but we’ve conquered that. I’ve gained no weight and have no bump. I am actually fitting into SMALLER jeans than I was at 8 weeks which is awesome. I think because I am feeling so good and normal that I was convinced something would be wrong at the ultrasound so when we actually saw it moving around with all its limbs and a heartbeat and a brain I had a small freakout…it was a “Holy shit, it’s IN there and it’s MOVING and it’s going to have to COME OUT” moment.

I guess I’ll start doing weekly check-ins just to track how things go from here. I assume now that we’re in the 2nd tri things will start happening body-wise? And of course I feel like we have a million things to do around here as well. Should be interesting!

5w and final beta numbers

For those wondering how it went today:

Betas:

* Beta #1 (12dp5dt) – Monday, Feb 4 – 226
* Beta #2 (14dp5dt) – Wednesday, Feb 6 – 623
* Beta #3 (16dp5dt) – Friday, Feb 8 – 1452

So..that’s pretty awesome. AND I don’t have to drive 40 minutes each way for a 30 second blood draw anymore. That’s almost even more awesome. The nurse said the beta numbers were gorgeous and I go back on Feb 25th for an ultrasound and a meeting with our RE. 

*big sigh* Now to just enjoy the snow day and relax. And drink all the water. I have never been so thirsty in my life. I’m also eating citrus like it’s going out of style and my hips are tingling. Not the muscles, the SKIN. I don’t know if I can literally feel my hips getting bigger or if this is some side effect but it’s really annoying.

Check in later this week with an update :) Thanks for everyone who has been reading and pulling for me, I really appreciate it! 

14dp5dt OR 4w5d

I’m still a little nervous to say “I’m pregnant” out loud.  So let’s just say that I’m either 14 days past the 5 day frozen embryo transfer OR maybe, possibly I am 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant.

My first beta on Monday was at 226. This morning at beta number two the number was 623, so it nearly tripled. I go back again on Friday for one more round of bloodwork and then they’ll schedule me for an ultrasound.

I still do not at all feel pregnant. Aside from some serious insomnia and some left over tingling and itching from the stupid PIO shots, things are pretty status quo. Oh, and the unquenchable thirst.

Let’s do this instead. I like these fun little surveys, they remind me of college :p

How far along: 4 weeks, 5 days

Total weight gain: none so far

Maternity clothes: none yet

Stretch marks: I’m already starting with a couple of light ones on my hips anyway. No new ones yet though.

Sleep: I’m not falling asleep until super late and then when I do fall asleep it’s for like, 2 hours. I miss being an awesome sleeper.

Best moment of this week: Hearing great beta numbers. Other than that, Jon’s been traveling so I’m kind of bored.

Miss anything: I’m actually kind of missing running. They told me I have to keep my heart rate under 140 and to not do cardio for a little while longer just to be safe.

Movement: N/A

Food cravings: N/A

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope..nothing yet. I’m sure I’m going to regret saying this though.

Have you started to show yet: Nope

Gender: Don’t know yet

Labor signs: N/A

Belly button in or out: I have an absurdly deep belly button. I’ll be interested to see how long it takes before it pops.

Wedding rings on or off: They were already off most days because the IVF meds were making my hands and feet a little swollen.

Happy or moody most of the time: Pretty happy in general. Not particularly moody.

Looking forward to: a great beta number on Friday and scheduling a ultrasound. Other than that, not too much yet. Still a little wary about telling family and close friends before we’re sure this is going to stick.

And here’s a starter shot. Yes, my butt has always been that big, that is not new. I’m starting out about 20-25 pounds heavier than I probably should be, so I’m going to have to work to keep the whole weight thing in check.

4w5d

Knocking on Wood

Today was 12 days past the FET and I went in for my first blood test this morning.

Honestly, I had already been testing at home since 5 days past, so I was hoping that I already knew what to expect. The blood test confirmed, pregnant!! My first beta was 226 and I go back Wednesday to see if it is doubling/growing appropriately.

My day 5-9 Wondfo tests looked like this:

20130201_112350
So it was really really faint on 5 & 6 days past. A little darker on days 7 & 8 and even darker on day 9. That made me a little hopeful at least that the blood test would go well. Hopefully the follow-up on Wednesday goes well too.

Honestly, if the tests weren’t positive I don’t think I would even know. I feel completely fine, which of course, worries me. Ridiculous. But now that I’ve put that out into the universe, I’m sure I’ll start vomiting immediately.

The FET cycle has really been a cakewalk comparatively speaking. Tiny estrogen pills morning and night and a couple of weeks of PIO shots. Up until the last few days even the PIO shots have been fine and Jon was doing a great job with them. About 4 or 5 days ago though I started getting raised, itchy, burning lumps at each injection site. Yesterday was the worst. I could barely sit or lay down. This morning I asked the nurse if it was possible to just switch back to Crinone and she took a look and said it looks like I’ve developed an allergy to it and she’ll ask my RE about switching.

Crinone is kind of gross in its own rite, but at least it’s not painful. Both sides of your ass itching like crazy is not a good look. Luckily I work at home, I can’t imagine dealing with this in business casual dress pants..

Anyway. I still don’t really feel like it’s real. I’m not throwing up, nothing really hurts and even though I’m looking at and hearing positive test results, I think I’m in a little bit of denial. Fingers crossed for an even better number on Wednesday and that things all go smoothly now that there’s actually something growing in there!

Prepping for FET #1

So, I took a month off.

We had our WTF appointment with our RE and she just basically said that we move on. That I produced gorgeous eggs, produced great looking 5 day embies and that we just keep going through the 8 we have. She gave us the option of putting in two embryos but said we had a high chance of twins.  She said that because of how hard this has been she assumed we would go with two.

We are NOT going with two. After everything else, we are wary of the challenges that carrying twins brings. So we’re just going to transfer one embryo.

So far, it’s been pretty easy. I had to wait until I got my period again (um, 40 days. So annoying.) and then it was just blood and then onto 3 Estrace pills in the morning and at night for 14ish days. No big deal at all.  I went in this morning for blood & ultrasound and I guess the next step is starting intramuscular PIO (progesterone-in-oil) shots every night until & after the transfer which I think will be either the end of the week or beginning of next week.

I’m not THRILLED about having to do a intramuscular shot every single night for 2+ weeks but on the upside Jon did a great job when he did the trigger shot before the ER, so that’s promising.

Overall the FET process has not been that bad so far. I feel fine, not bloaty and cranky like the IVF cycle. My only hope is that if this DOESN’T work, we can just start again when I get my period and we don’t have to wait through a whole natural cycle and THEN start. If we’re controlling the cycle chemically anyway, what’s the difference if the WTF appointment is just going to be so our RE can tell us “sorry it didn’t work, lets do the exact same thing again!”

Anyway. Thanks for checking in here, I just needed a break to regroup. IVF wrecked me and I needed the cycle off this time. It was nice to have the holidays “off” so to speak. By the end of 2012 I was just done. Now I feel at least a little bit rejuvenated. A little more wary, a little older and a little more tired, but ready to keep going. Lets see if we can make 2013 a little bit better.

Blood Test Results or, Things I Already Know

Negative. Obviously. The multiple tests I took Sunday & Monday weren’t ALL liars. OH, and the fact that I got my period full force this morning before I even left the house for the blood test pretty much put the nail in that. My beta was a 5 which means something started to form but didn’t take. I have to go back Friday for another blood test to make sure everything’s back down to zero.

Then at the blood test, even though I drank water all the way there, the girl stabbed me once in my right arm, twice in my left then sent me down to the blood lab where they stabbed me again in each arm and ended up taking my blood through the back of my hand. So that was a fun and new experience.

And while getting dressed to go I ripped a huge hole my favorite jeans (with my foot, not with my huge thighs/ass which would have been only slightly worse). But clearly that’s not the worst part of the day, just a cherry on top of the shit sundae that we are stupidly and naively continuing to put ourselves through.

I just…have no optimism left in me. I have no more hope left in me. I have no more “smiling until we find out” left in me.

Things march on and I guess we’ll keep going with FET until we run out of our 8 frosties (assuming they all survive the thaw of course, which, with our current luck is doubtful) but I feel completely disconnected from the process because no matter how much we want it and how much we follow the rules and how good our eggs or embryos look, it doesn’t actually matter.

10DP5DT

Because I’m clearly a masochist, I tested again this morning with a wondfo strip and a First Response test and they were also negative.

And no offense because I know everyone wants to say something uplifting or optimistic about “the journey” and “the grieving process” and whatever else…this journey has been a huge fucking waste of time and money. We have spent a year not really LIVING our lives but instead being controlled by all of this stuff and it’s timelines. We have put thousands of dollars into it and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Not one single thing is different now than it was when we started.

I want kids. I want SOMETHING to work and right now it feels like nothing is going to. If there’s supposedly nothing wrong with me and our best embryo didn’t take, what point is there to try the 8 frosties that were graded lower? I honestly want to tell them to flush them all down the toilet. What is the point of wasting ANOTHER year of our life for nothing but tears and bills?

And I don’t need people’s platitudes like “it only takes one!” or “you’ll be so much more grateful when it works!” because it’s bullshit. Sell it somewhere else. There is nothing to say that can make this better.

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