Post, the First
Like I just posted in my About Me page (which, hey! go check it out!), I don’t really know what I want this space to be beyond somewhere I can put down my thoughts at any given point in this whole process. There are a lot of strange things going on in our life and there’s no way to know where it will end up so I want to have somewhere to get it all out.
I guess for an outside reader “get what out?” is a pretty fair question at this point.
We got married in September 2009. We decided to wait a year before trying to have kids. To be honest, at that point I wasn’t even sure that I WANTED kids. We have a great life. We travel, we eat out, we go to shows, we enjoy ourselves and I couldn’t really see where having kids fit into that lifestyle that I was enjoying so much. I actually had some major crying fits trying to figure why I just didn’t KNOW whether or not I wanted a family. I could honestly envision our life both ways and I didn’t know and it drove me nuts. It seemed like every couple we knew had children and they knew from the start they wanted them in their lives. I couldn’t understand why it was so obvious to everyone but me. Shouldn’t I have strong feelings about having a baby? Why aren’t I normal?
So that went on for the entire year. September 2010 finally arrived and even though I still wasn’t sure, I stopped taking birth control. Now, whatever happened happened! Even though “fate” is not really a belief system I subscribe to, we decided we’d just see how it went. I started tracking my cycles and found that while I ovulate every month, they’re all over the place in terms of length. One cycle would be 30 days, the next 46, the next 35. There was no consistency, it was all over the place. While I worried about that, I was still struggling with whether or not we should even be trying to have kids, so emotions were all over the place. I didn’t know why I was bothering to track my cycles if we were just letting things happen. I didn’t know why I was paying attention if I wasn’t even sure I wanted to deal with the possible outcome.
After a regular visit with my OB/GYN in August 2010, after I’d been off birth control for nearly a year, she prescribed me a cycle of Clomid but also suggested that Jon go in for a semen analysis. Yesterday, we got the results of that analysis and no sperm were found. Not just a low sperm count, NO sperm count.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the face. When we started trying, I was so on the fence about things I thought maybe it was better if it just didn’t happen. But to find out that it is not going to happen feels wrong. It feels like something was stolen from me. It’s weird that it takes a crisis like this to make you realize what you want in life. All of a sudden I can’t imagine not having a family around. No first days of school, no first steps, no singing and rocking a child to sleep, no watching my husband be an awesome father instead of just an awesome uncle. That seems like a lot to have taken away.
I had a date scheduled with my mom and my sister and by the time I got down to their house to go out, I was a mess. But I hadn’t even been able to tell Jon about the results of the analysis yet, so I certainly couldn’t tell anyone else. My sister knew immediately that something was wrong. I couldn’t eat, I could barely participate in conversation and I’m sure my mother was well aware that something was wrong. But I couldn’t say it out loud. I think I was probably afraid that they’d both tell me that we were fine without kids anyway and I wasn’t ready to say that this had strongly pushed me in the other direction. Having the possibility removed altogether made things clearer and made me broken hearted to think of not raising a family with the man I loved.
Telling Jon the results of the analysis that night was scary. I didn’t want to deliver the bad news and I knew it wouldn’t happen without some tears. But, we got through it, talked about it and made the decision to make appointments with an RE and a urologist to start figuring out what the problem is. I feel like no matter what, we’re a strong couple. Our relationship will withstand this and we’ll figure it all out together. I know there are going to be a lot of hard times ahead and there’s no way to know what will happen, but I think no matter what, we’ll be ok. And that is a comforting feeling. Together, we’ll be fine no matter what else happens around us.
And I guess I don’t have to take the Clomid then, huh?