Monthly Archives: January 2012

Sometimes Research Doesn’t Help

We can’t get in to see our RE until February 13. I know 3 weeks isn’t really that long, but when you’re sitting waiting for answers and waiting to find out what’s next, if anything, it feels like forever.

This weekend was rough. The surgery and awful news came Thursday and then poor Jon had to sit around all weekend recuperating while I basically just cried on and off. On Sunday he told me that he was trying to get over it and not feel bad but couldn’t because of my face. It’s only been 3 days with this new information and I’m not ready to be ok yet. I don’t know what needs to happen to make me ok, but at this particular moment, I am not. And I’m glad that Jon isn’t the type to dwell and wants to move forward, but….it’s been 3 days. That’s not enough time to grieve the fact that we’re not having biological children.

We had talked briefly before about sperm donation. Our RE had brought it up as a next possible step if we needed to go that route (which, she confidently told us, I’m sure you won’t have to. Surprise!). I started doing some preliminary research about how the kids of donor sperm grow up and Jesus…these articles are horrifying. I read an article from the UK with a headline like “Betsy just found out she is a product of donor sperm, but why does she now resent the very people who gave her life?”

I’m scared that if we go this route we’ll end up with a child that hates us. I don’t want to make a decision that will hang over our heads and taint every single day of not only our lives, but our child’s life as well.

Also, articles that start with “Donor number 47789 has been found to have 98 children” really freak me out. Why isn’t there better monitoring of this? I know that the sperm is shipped all over the world, so it’s not like there would be 98 half-siblings running around Massachusetts, but that’s a LOT of children! And I would want our child to have the opportunity to find out who the man is, so if that guy has 98 kids all looking for him, won’t he, at some point, just stop replying? That’s a huge time commitment and pressure on him and his family, right?

There just seem to be so many things that are scary about this route. And sometimes, doing all this research doesn’t help to make me feel better. I think I need better direction, or I need to stop reading things that are written from this sensationalized point of view. I guess a story about how donor-sperm babies grow up to be completely fine and well-adjusted aren’t really news stories, are they?

Unsuccessful. What an Awful Word.

The sperm retrieval mission was yesterday. We packed up and got to the hospital early, they took Jon in and I got settled. After they had got him into a room and gotten him all ready to go, I got to sit with him for a while and then they took him down to surgery while I went to the Family Waiting Room. They have a great set-up there, people who ask you questions when you walk in, they watch for you to leave, they get calls on your loved one’s status and update you every step of the way. It was actually nice to sit in there with people who were taking care of things, knew exactly when the surgery started and when they expected to be done and were in touch with the OR directly.

As it turns out, the OR called me directly and had me go up to another office to pick up the sample to be transported to the other hospital. The way I understood it, this was good news! Something had been found and collected to be transported!! Hooray! Wonderful news! When I got the canister in the car, I actually took a picture. In this container are the very very beginnings of our future children!

On the way to the other hospital to drop off the sample, I got a call from Jon’s MFI urologist who did the surgery and she said that nothing was found in the two spots that she had biopsied and that they would know more about why once they were properly analyzed at the other hospital.

Oh.

So, nothing was found. There was nothing in there to BE found. And everything else plumbing-wise looked fine. And there was nothing in all his blood/semen tests that indicated that anything production-wise was wrong either. There’s just nothing there.

Since the first SA test found nothing, it’s been nothing but ups and downs. HOPE! and then nothing. But then HOPE! and then nothing. And in between, waiting with that hope just for it to be smashed to pieces. I wish I hadn’t have gotten that phone call. I wish that they had just waited until Jon & I were home and together to call. Finding out there was nothing in that canister I was lovingly transporting around the city and taking pictures of made me want to throw it out the window. What was the point of all this if there was nothing in there anyway?? That’s it, isn’t it?

Then I had to go pick up Jon. I don’t know if he was hopped up on painkillers or what, but he was making jokes and laughing, but he knew what I knew. I couldn’t think. I felt and feel today like the world just crashed down around my ears. We are not having biological children. Our kids won’t be 6’5” like Jon, they won’t have his long legs or his green eyes or his weirdo sense of humor. They won’t share some of his mannerisms, they won’t have his big nose (well, I guess they get off easy there..) and they won’t share his genes. WE will not have children that are half of each of us and that hurts so deeply. I don’t know what to do from here. I’m surprised each time we get bad news how badly it hurts. This devastated feeling is getting pretty old though.