Monthly Archives: June 2012
Yesterday was CD5, so it was time to start round 2 of 100mg of Clomid.
I’m not going to lie. I sat looking at my desk calendar and looking at the pills. Back and forth. Back and forth. I’ll take the pills from yesterday until Monday. Then 4-5 days after that the crazypants feelings begin. Do you know when that puts me at? THE EXACT SAME DAY WE MOVE INTO OUR HOUSE.
Because what I really needed in an overwhelming oh-my-God-nothing-is-in-it’s-place-we’re-living-amongst-boxes-of-crap situation is prescription induced crying jags and hot flashes and unexplained panic attacks.
If this cycle doesn’t work I’m probably going to freak out because I will have potentially made two moments that should be fun and bonding time for Jon & I into misery for no reason. I would like to enjoy moving into our new house since we’ve been looking forward to it for a month. I literally look at the pictures of the house online every single day. I am going to try very very hard to take a lot of deep breaths during the move, stay hydrated and just try to control myself.
Maybe now that my body has had one look with Clomid it won’t be so bad this time? Or maybe I’m just trying to cajole myself into behaving rationally despite of the chemical challenges to doing so.
Either way, I am anxious.
Timing with this stuff is just impossible.
Called the RE on CD 1 to say I got my period, can we please do injectibles this cycle? They say yes, we’ll submit to insurance for approval. I get a call back today that we got approval, but injectibles are supposed to start on CD3 and today is CD4 so it’s already too late.
SO we’re doing another Clomid cycle. 100mg from CD 5 through CD9. Which is not ideal because it means that I’ll be a crazypants just in time for us to be unpacking the new house. Crazy packing up the old house, crazy moving into the new house. Great stuff. Poor Jon is going to lose his mind.
IUI #3 is officially a negative. Spotting today, period & CD 1 tomorrow.
Which I guess means that we’re moving on to IUI #4, this time with injectibles instead of Clomid because I really can’t handle that again.
We spent some time last night picking a couple of new donors so Monday morning I’ll call, get some baby pictures and make a decision from there.
I’m sad this time. And kind of tired of this whole thing. I think it’s worse because when we started trying (in September 2010….) I figured that at least I’d probably be pregnant by the time I was 30. My 31st birthday is Wednesday. Awesome.
June has always been my favorite month.
School used to end in June giving way to the fun times of summer. The weather gets consistently warm and bright and there’s no end of things to do. It doesn’t hurt that my birthday is in June and I can associate the month not only with the bright and fun but with birthday cake and ice cream.
This month has been pretty much the antithesis of all of that. Since we’re between places, we’ve been living at a friend’s house who conveniently is in the UK for work for the entire month. It’s awesome that Jon & I have our own place and don’t have to live separately at our parents but this apartment is like a cave. It’s dark and kind of sad and it’s just making me even more depressed. The only good thing is that his Tempurpedic bed is extremely comfortable and I’m sleeping really well. Other than that, it’s depressing. And I can almost not even handle any more depressing.
I miss having a house to take care of. I miss having a place that’s ours and has all our stuff. I miss our couch, our bed and our desk. My workspace is all disheveled and not only am I living out of a suitcase, I’m working out of a box. It’s like every part of the day is wrinkled. Clothes to paperwork I am living in a constant state of mess and after a couple of weeks of this I’m already starting to break.
Add to that the fact that I’m about 95% positive that IUI #3 has failed. Test day is Friday or Saturday but I feel fine. Nothing hurts, nothing is crampy, things are just status quo and that is not helping with my mood. I am so tired of living cycle to cycle and stage to stage and now we have to A) order more vials of sperm and B) maybe choose a new donor and C) move onto injectibles since Clomid made me a psychopath. All of those things make me even sadder.
Kristen Bell said recently (I think on Ellen) that she’s at optimal mood between a 3 and a 7. On either end, she’s crying. Too happy or too sad, she’s crying. That’s pretty much me this month. I am operating at a 2.9 and dip into 1.5 level at some points.
OH, and Jon will be in Japan from the 18th to the 26th. So that’s awesome too. This month sucks.
So I never actually updated with how things went on the Clomid. My apologies to dedicated readers of this blog but I was caught up on a wave of crazy and couldn’t get off.
I took the pills CD 5-9 and felt fine. For some ridiculous reason, I thought that was it. I thought to myself “Hey! Finished the pills and I feel great! Why would anyone complain about this? It was nothing!”
And I just kept on thinking that until CDs 12-16. Then it was nothing but hot flashes, exhaustion and crying jags. We had to finish packing up our house over Memorial Day weekend and Jon had to build in “crying breaks” for me. If he did a good job, we were on the couch when one hit. If he mistimed things or God-forbid was in another room when my face started to get red I ended up crying in the middle of whatever I was doing. And yes, I was a little sad about selling our first real home, but still…I’m a big girl, I can PACK without freaking out. It was just kind of ridiculous. At times it almost felt like an out-of-body experience. I could hear myself and feel myself crying but I had no real connection to why I was crying or why I was being such a psycho. I’m sure Jon was not sad when we parted ways to go live at our parents for a few days while we’re in between houses for the month.
Yesterday I got a positive OPK, called, scheduled the IUI for 8:30 this morning and the rest of the day I could just feel my ovaries. I was nauseous, the area was painful when I touched it and if I moved the wrong way it felt like my ovary was going to fall out. Not an egg from my ovary, the WHOLE ovary.
Suffice to say, I would prefer not to do another cycle of Clomid. And I’m pretty sure that it would be Jon’s preference as well.
This morning, Jon met me at the doctor’s office for the IUI and it went pretty smoothly (for those keeping track, IUI #1 was awesome, quick and painless. IUI #2 was long, drawn out and rattle-y. This one was somewhere in the middle, quick but a little uncomfortable). I think she was a little rough with the speculum, but at least she didn’t explain everything in excruciating detail and rattle things around down there. While we were waiting the recommended 15 minutes before leaving, Jon was using the vagina lamp as a microphone and interviewing me about how I felt and after one of the questions he bent it too fast and HIT ME IN THE MOUTH WITH IT. BLEGGGHGHEHEGH!!!!!! But I was simultaneously laughing so hard and trying to accurately describe how disgusted I was and it was just ridiculous. Hopefully they clean those things.
The woman who did the IUI today also told me that if Clomid was not my friend then next cycle we could try injectibles instead which have far fewer side effects. They’re not the huge intra-muscular needles, just the little subcutaneous ones so I think I could get on that train. I would prefer not to spend an entire week scaring the bejesus out of my husband.
So if this doesn’t work out, we’ll go that route. We’re also thinking that if this cycle doesn’t take we’ll also pick a new donor. We bought three vials and used our last one this cycle, so maybe we should just give someone else’s sperm a try? Can’t hurt right? We do want to stick with the same bank though.
The 2 week wait begins today!