Monthly Archives: July 2012

My directionless cycle

So, this cycle, probably because of my “losing it” last time, we’re doing some monitoring. Today, CD 11 I went in for a transvaginal ultrasound.

It wasn’t my first ever so I knew what to expect, but it’s still funny when the technician hands you the wand.

Anyway. Apparently I have 2 dominant follicles but they want me to come back on Wed, CD 13 for another ultrasound. I honestly don’t even know what happens after that. No one has told me if we’re doing anything but watching them and how that will help things. Are we going to do a triggering shot, which my RE already told me she thinks is overkill? Are we just watching things do what they normally would with no intervention except looking? I have no idea. Good protocol, huh? Nothing like going in for ultrasounds with no actual idea of why.

To be fair, I am definitely Clomid-cranky. I don’t know if that’s a term, but it certainly should be. Between the crankiness, the hot flashes and the fact that my husband is in Japan for 2 weeks, I am kind of a pain in the ass. Which I suppose isn’t really different from the last 2 or 3 weeks.

Ugh. Tough times, kids. Tough times.

I am trying extremely hard not to be bitter. That is probably another entry all to itself.

And there it is..

14 day luteal cycle makes the longest in the 19 cycles that I’ve tracked.

Onto cycle #20 and dIUI#5.

Lovely.

Now you’re just screwing with me…right?

This is the cycle I lose my mind. My RE was right (STILL CONDESCENDING…but right..) and this is the month that I totally freak out.

I have been tracking for 19 cycles.  In all of those cycles, my luteal phase (time from ovulation/IUI to the next period) has been from 9-12 days. The last 4 cycles have been 12 days.

WHY OH WHY THEN has my body decided that on 14 days past IUI to still not have my period?

“Ohhh!! You must be pregnant!” you coo at me.. But you would be wrong. And annoying for cooing. Every test I have taken, including the one 5 minutes ago, has been negative. I have some very faint spotting and feel like my period is coming any moment. In fact, I know that as soon as I pick up the phone and call my RE for a blood test I will get my period the same hour. I KNOW this is the case.

I feel like my body is literally daring me to make that phone call so it can then make me look stupid by having to call back and say “Hey, nevermind, I found it. Order up the Clomid!”

Whoops, nearly a month just flew by…

To be fair, we’ve had kind of a lot going on. We finally moved into our new house and we’re loving it. I love the small town feel, I love our new kitchen, I love the pool even though it’s slowly turning green and we just figured out the automatic chlorinator was empty…

Things I miss include being 20 minutes away from Boston, central air and a garbage disposal. But really, that’s it. I adore our new house and am psyched that we own it and will be here for many many years to come.

Lets see..where were we..

Ah yes, I was bitching about Clomid. Shocking. I took the Clomid and this time it actually didn’t seem as bad. I was not as crazy as the first time and moving in was not a misery because I was crazy. It was a misery because it was about 95 degrees outside and again, no central A/C. But at least we had movers..and a pool.

dIUI #4 was on July 5th which, if you’re counting along at home was 11 days ago.  The past 3 cycles I have had 12 day luteal cycles so that means I am due to get my period on Wednesday. I’ve used a couple of First Response pregnancy tests and there’s nothing, so I think it’s probably safe to say that this cycle has failed too since I feel 100% normal.

My RE had us in this morning for an appointment to discuss my desire to move on to something more aggressive. She basically said that the sound medical advice is that at this point, there’s no sign that anything is wrong, it’s just statistics and therefore it’s too early to move on. She will support us no matter what our decision is, but she thinks we should do at least 2 more Clomid cycles since the more aggressive protocols also have higher instances of multiples associated with them. You could practically hear Jon’s neck snap as he shook his head “No” after that.

I think mostly this appointment pissed me off because of the condescending attitude everyone has. My RE is a lovely, extremely smart woman and I trust her. However I could do without the “I know at this point it’s been 4 cycles and you’re probably losing it”

You know what? I wasn’t until now. So just shut up. I’m not some baby-crazed lunatic freaking out crying and and throwing things each time I get my period. Up until this point I haven’t even been really upset about it at all. So the insinuation that I’m “losing it” is offensive.

Oh, and you know what, it’s been 4 cycles since being with your office but for us it’s actually been almost 2 years. So again, making it sound like it’s been 4 short months and I’m a crazy person is unnecessary and rude.

Then meeting with the nurse afterwards as she told us what a more aggressive protocol would entail she asked where I was in the cycle and I said I was going to get my period in two days and her response was something like “oh, more emotional than usual? PMS? Could still be pregnant.”

Go fuck yourself.  Actually, I’m as emotional as I normally am after someone tells me that we’re still not pregnant after 2 years because of statistics and that nothing we do will help. And you don’t really know my baseline emotions-wise so you can’t really judge, can you?

That was 500+ words to say that basically there is no news and that nothing is different and we probably won’t end up moving onto injectibles/aggressive protocol and instead do 2 more rounds of Clomid. This blog is going to get awfully repetitive if it’s not already.