Monthly Archives: August 2012

Making it through

It was a tough weekend. Even though I knew it was a BFN my period still didn’t come until 16 days past the IUI. 2 days longer than before which was 2 days longer than normal. I guess it’s supposed to be a good thing that my luteal phase is longer than the 9 days I started at, but still. Waiting that long for something you know is inevitable is kind of torture. 

And the same day I got my period, we had our housewarming party. Which sounds fun except in the 65 people that were at our house we hosted 20 children and 3 pregnant women. And another friend whose wife couldn’t make it is also pregnant. It was a long long day of fighting to be “on” and happy for everyone. And I AM happy for my friends, it’s just a little painful. I have tried really hard not to be that bitter infertile chick but it’s not as easy as just smiling. You literally have to summon from your depths a feeling of ease and happiness and push down the fact that you’ve spent 2 years working towards what they accomplished in no time and with very little effort. It’s pushing down sadness and frustration and more than a little jealousy and replacing it with smiles and hugs and congratulations. It’s exhausting. 

We decided to take this cycle off. Jon is going to be traveling for the exact days I’d have to start taking the shots and we have a trip to Napa planned that would fall when the egg retrieval would have to be, so that doesn’t really work. Instead of canceling everything we decided to just go to Napa, relax, enjoy our favorite place and then come back ready to take on the world. And a lot of sharp pointy things.

October is going to suck balls but for September I’m going to try to forget how terrified I am. Forget how scared I am of the needles, of the possibility of this not working either, of feeling awful for a month with possibly no payoff…

I’m just going to forget that for a month and focus on other things. Going to the gym. Going to California, getting pricing on new windows for the house, cleaning and closing the pool for the winter…all things that will take my mind off what we’re slowly inching towards and the possibility that none of it will matter anyway.


Fear in the Drivers Seat

One big needle. That’s all that was standing between us and IVF. I’m not scared of the egg retrieval or the transfer since those will be handled by professionals who know what they’re doing, and the little needles…well, lets just say I look forward to proving to myself I can do it. I’m a little concerned about feeling like shit, but I can get over that and try not to be a total bitch to my poor husband who is likely on his way to sainthood already ( Jewish equivalent of sainthood? Do Jews have saints? Maybe I should ask him before I declare him sainted…).

With the realization that it really was just the fear of a big needle that stood between me and moving onto IVF, I started thinking about whether it’s MY fault that we haven’t moved forward earlier. Or if fear is dictating anything else in my life. Am I not moving forward on other things because of a fear of one small piece? Is a relatively tiny obstacle stopping me from achieving the end goal?

This is probably where this blog comes full circle. I admitted in one of my first entries that I am not a big picture girl. I am a details girl. I get hung up on a tiny detail and that one thing ruins the whole thing or prevents me from seeing something through. Honestly, I don’t think I realized how often this happens until now. Even in silly things like a new recipe, I’ll see one ingredient or one step that looks challenging and move on to something else. But I can definitely see how this applies to larger scenarios. I can now clearly see how this character flaw might have prevented me from doing other things in life as well.

So there’s that. I guess if nothing else this whole thing has pointed out a gaping hole in my character…and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But at least now I can work on it, starting with this particular issue.

A Stronger Approach

We are officially 10 days past IUI and I feel fine. No different at all, nothing strange happening and all signs point to this cycle being failure #5. Trust me, I’d love to be wrong, but I really don’t think I am. 

The plan, as I stated before, was that we were going to move onto injectibles with IUI. The more I ruminated on that decision the angrier I got. We have 2 vials left in storage before we have to buy more and I’m sick of wasting time and money on these IUIs that clearly aren’t working. It made me angry that my RE compared it to playing the lottery with 12-15% odds. “With those odds, if you lost 5 times you wouldn’t be mad about it, right? You’d keep playing!”

No. I wouldn’t. I would stop throwing money at terrible odds and try something that would actually work. So, that’s what I decided to do. After barely sleeping last night, I called my RE’s office and left the message that we don’t want to continue with the injectibles/IUI course, we want to move to the end game and start IVF. 

I feel like 5 failed IUIs is enough to endure. I know other people do this eight, ten times but I don’t know how. I’ve had enough. And if I’m going to give myself injections either way, I’d like to be doing something with better odds than 12-15%. 

The office called back and said they had to call and clear it with insurance and then talk to my RE to make sure she approved, but I know that Jon’s insurance covers unlimited infertility treatments (and trust me, I feel so so thankful for this every single day) and our RE said she’d back whatever decision we made, so..this should happen. 

I can’t let the fear of 1 big needle deter us from moving on to IVF and I think a lot of my initial agreement to the injectibles/IUI was based on that. I’m still concerned about the intramuscular shot but my husband will actually be home this time and assuming he doesn’t faint, should be able to do it. Hopefully. 

So I’m feeling better. I’m glad that this decision has been made and I feel a new rush of optimism. Now this cycle just has to end so we can move on. 

Too early?

I’m 4 days past IUI #5…is it too early to declare that I’m pretty sure it was a failure? Not to sound pessimistic but aside from some weird feelings the day after the IUI that I’m sure can be attributed to the Novarel I again feel totally fine. 

It’s ridiculous that I am looking forward to days when I do not feel completely normal, but that is neither here nor there. 

I hate to be a Debby Downer (but for the past few months I’m pretty sure that’s now my name for reals..) but I’m not feeling good about things. And that makes me anxious because we’re moving on to injectibles. 

You know what I’d like? Just to make the leap and move onto IVF because as others have told me, IUI is clearly useless. 

Shot in the dark

Because I know tens of people are wondering how it went…Wednesday did not go well. 

I went to my best friends house, we had dinner. I mixed up the Novarel. Called Jon in Japan and had him on speakerphone…Got it all ready to go in the syringe and then..

…had as close to a panic attack as I’ve had in years. My best friend ended up giving me the shot. I think this probably solidifies our friendship for the rest of our lives. 

Then Friday was the IUI itself which was the first one that was actually painful. And they caught me in a moment of crazy and I agreed to do injectibles next cycle. Hopefully my husband is around the whole time so he can do it because clearly I am incapable of jabbing myself in the stomach with a 1/2 inch needle.

We’re 3 days into the 2ww…we’ll see how it goes. Fingers crossed. 

Kind of freaking out

Went in this morning (CD13) for the 2nd ultrasound. Apparently I had follicles at 24mm and the nurse thought I would ovulate today or tomorrow. I tested this morning and the OPK was negative, and I haven’t gotten a positive any earlier than CD 18, so that sounded crazy to me.

My RE called me back just now and she wants me to do a trigger shot of HCG/Novarel tonight and come in for IUI# 5 on Friday morning.

While this is great and exactly what I wanted to hear, I’m kind of freaking out. Ok, not kind of. A lot. I am a lot freaking out. My husband is traveling for work until Saturday, he’s been gone for 2 weeks. I have to do this stuff by myself and I’m nervous. While I watched my dad give himself countless insulin injections growing up, I’ve never given myself an injection of any kind.

Luckily I have a great best friend who has taken this shot before and so I’m going to go over there and do it under someone else’s watchful eye. Because me sitting in a house alone with a syringe aimed at my stomach does not sound like something that’s going to end well.