Fear in the Drivers Seat
One big needle. That’s all that was standing between us and IVF. I’m not scared of the egg retrieval or the transfer since those will be handled by professionals who know what they’re doing, and the little needles…well, lets just say I look forward to proving to myself I can do it. I’m a little concerned about feeling like shit, but I can get over that and try not to be a total bitch to my poor husband who is likely on his way to sainthood already (or..er..the Jewish equivalent of sainthood? Do Jews have saints? Maybe I should ask him before I declare him sainted…).
With the realization that it really was just the fear of a big needle that stood between me and moving onto IVF, I started thinking about whether it’s MY fault that we haven’t moved forward earlier. Or if fear is dictating anything else in my life. Am I not moving forward on other things because of a fear of one small piece? Is a relatively tiny obstacle stopping me from achieving the end goal?
This is probably where this blog comes full circle. I admitted in one of my first entries that I am not a big picture girl. I am a details girl. I get hung up on a tiny detail and that one thing ruins the whole thing or prevents me from seeing something through. Honestly, I don’t think I realized how often this happens until now. Even in silly things like a new recipe, I’ll see one ingredient or one step that looks challenging and move on to something else. But I can definitely see how this applies to larger scenarios. I can now clearly see how this character flaw might have prevented me from doing other things in life as well.
So there’s that. I guess if nothing else this whole thing has pointed out a gaping hole in my character…and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But at least now I can work on it, starting with this particular issue.