Making it through
It was a tough weekend. Even though I knew it was a BFN my period still didn’t come until 16 days past the IUI. 2 days longer than before which was 2 days longer than normal. I guess it’s supposed to be a good thing that my luteal phase is longer than the 9 days I started at, but still. Waiting that long for something you know is inevitable is kind of torture.
And the same day I got my period, we had our housewarming party. Which sounds fun except in the 65 people that were at our house we hosted 20 children and 3 pregnant women. And another friend whose wife couldn’t make it is also pregnant. It was a long long day of fighting to be “on” and happy for everyone. And I AM happy for my friends, it’s just a little painful. I have tried really hard not to be that bitter infertile chick but it’s not as easy as just smiling. You literally have to summon from your depths a feeling of ease and happiness and push down the fact that you’ve spent 2 years working towards what they accomplished in no time and with very little effort. It’s pushing down sadness and frustration and more than a little jealousy and replacing it with smiles and hugs and congratulations. It’s exhausting.
We decided to take this cycle off. Jon is going to be traveling for the exact days I’d have to start taking the shots and we have a trip to Napa planned that would fall when the egg retrieval would have to be, so that doesn’t really work. Instead of canceling everything we decided to just go to Napa, relax, enjoy our favorite place and then come back ready to take on the world. And a lot of sharp pointy things.
October is going to suck balls but for September I’m going to try to forget how terrified I am. Forget how scared I am of the needles, of the possibility of this not working either, of feeling awful for a month with possibly no payoff…
I’m just going to forget that for a month and focus on other things. Going to the gym. Going to California, getting pricing on new windows for the house, cleaning and closing the pool for the winter…all things that will take my mind off what we’re slowly inching towards and the possibility that none of it will matter anyway.