Prioritizing my Freak Outs
Appointment for CD21 blood work is Wednesday and if I’ve ovulated I start morning shots of Lupron, a drug that by all accounts will make me angry and crazy.
I am officially freaking out about everything. In a previous post I said I wasn’t worried about the ER which…seriously? I must have been delusional or under a post-Napa glow when I wrote that. Last night lying in bed, I actually said out loud to Jon that I was freaking out and as he patted my hand and then started gently snoring, I started breaking down in my head all the things I’m freaked out about. I thought that if I attacked them one by one then I would be less freaked out but then I freaked out about the number of things on the list of things I’m freaked out about. So the strategy kind of failed. But hey, lets break out the list here. Seeing it written out should totally help, right?
- Giving myself shots. It’s possible that Jon might have to travel during shot-giving time. I have to not only endure shots every day I’m going to have to suck it up and figure out how to give them to myself. Lest we forget, the shot I had to take during my last IUI ultimately had to be done by my best friend because I had a panic attack.
- Once I give myself those shots, I’m possibly going to be a moody, angry, crazy beast.
- Further on in the cycle I’ll be giving myself two shots a day. And at that point will probably be bloated, uncomfortable and in pain that no one can really describe to me except as uncomfortable and awful. I think this one is the most all-encompassing. I am scared of how bad I might feel. While I understand and do not need it pointed out to me that childbirth will be worse so I may as well suck it up, the fact doesn’t help.
- During the egg retrieval I will be put under anesthesia for the first time. I am scared I will not wake up from said anesthesia. I am also afraid that because I am panicked about going under, my brain will somehow prevent me from going under and I will feel the egg retrieval. Needles into my ovaries. I don’t want to feel that. But I also don’t want to die.
I am still not scared of the egg transfer. I am sure that we will have a bunch of eggs since I seem to be ok at producing them. I am sort of concerned about going through all of this and having the whole thing not work but also a little scared that it will.
Thus, I am not sleeping a whole lot.
ETA: Um, I totally forgot about the intramuscular trigger shot. Which was my first worry before we even started this process. So we can add that to the list. Having to have my husband jab me in the ass with a two inch needle into a muscle. That is certainly on the list.