Monthly Archives: November 2012
Negative. Obviously. The multiple tests I took Sunday & Monday weren’t ALL liars. OH, and the fact that I got my period full force this morning before I even left the house for the blood test pretty much put the nail in that. My beta was a 5 which means something started to form but didn’t take. I have to go back Friday for another blood test to make sure everything’s back down to zero.
Then at the blood test, even though I drank water all the way there, the girl stabbed me once in my right arm, twice in my left then sent me down to the blood lab where they stabbed me again in each arm and ended up taking my blood through the back of my hand. So that was a fun and new experience.
And while getting dressed to go I ripped a huge hole my favorite jeans (with my foot, not with my huge thighs/ass which would have been only slightly worse). But clearly that’s not the worst part of the day, just a cherry on top of the shit sundae that we are stupidly and naively continuing to put ourselves through.
I just…have no optimism left in me. I have no more hope left in me. I have no more “smiling until we find out” left in me.
Things march on and I guess we’ll keep going with FET until we run out of our 8 frosties (assuming they all survive the thaw of course, which, with our current luck is doubtful) but I feel completely disconnected from the process because no matter how much we want it and how much we follow the rules and how good our eggs or embryos look, it doesn’t actually matter.
Because I’m clearly a masochist, I tested again this morning with a wondfo strip and a First Response test and they were also negative.
And no offense because I know everyone wants to say something uplifting or optimistic about “the journey” and “the grieving process” and whatever else…this journey has been a huge fucking waste of time and money. We have spent a year not really LIVING our lives but instead being controlled by all of this stuff and it’s timelines. We have put thousands of dollars into it and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Not one single thing is different now than it was when we started.
I want kids. I want SOMETHING to work and right now it feels like nothing is going to. If there’s supposedly nothing wrong with me and our best embryo didn’t take, what point is there to try the 8 frosties that were graded lower? I honestly want to tell them to flush them all down the toilet. What is the point of wasting ANOTHER year of our life for nothing but tears and bills?
And I don’t need people’s platitudes like “it only takes one!” or “you’ll be so much more grateful when it works!” because it’s bullshit. Sell it somewhere else. There is nothing to say that can make this better.
I tested this morning. With an internet cheapie strip and a CVS brand digital. Both were negative.
So, bloodtest on Tuesday but I don’t see the point. By this point Hcg levels should be high enough to be detected and they weren’t.
I feel absolutely numb. I haven’t told Jon yet because I don’t want him to be as upset as I am right now but I’m sure he wonders why I’ve been in a quiet mood all day. Or, he thinks I’m moody because I’m pregnant when I’m clearly not.
So I guess after the blood test we just wait for me to get my period and start over with one of our 8 frosties. I feel like at this point I’m not even trying to get to the end goal, I’m just going through the motions, going to appointments, taking the medications for nothing. This has been a huge waste of time and money. Over a year of this, two+ years total and thousands of dollars lost to this with absolutely nothing to show for it.
It is 5 days past my 5-day transfer. In case you needed some clarity on the title of the post.
Because I am both weak and impatient (to be added to my list of character flaws..) I tested this morning and it was negative. I’m cool with that for a number of reasons.
#1 – It means that the trigger shot of HcG is out of my system, so any future positives I may get are not trigger-shot related.
#2 – It’s only 5 days past and according to this handy chart here, hcg doesn’t start entering your bloodstream until 6 days past. So I can’t truly be upset until tomorrow, right? :-p
Just kidding. I’m trying to have a positive attitude but it’s really only positive attitude layered on top of the dread and fear that this didn’t work either.
In the meantime, since we don’t have anything else going on, we’re adopting a rescue dog, a chocolate lab named Cleatus who will be coming in a transport van from IN on 12/1. I’m super excited to at least welcome one new member of our family! Hopefully another will be joining him…
I know you’re all on tenterhooks to hear how things went. Right? RIGHT??
*cough* sorry. Anyway. Moving along.
Jon did the trigger shot beautifully. I had to wake him up to do it, but we prepped it, got it into the needle (all the while asking each other “are you SURE that’s it? Is there more in there?” and did the shot with zero hesitation and honestly zero pain. I was proud of him. We’ve come so far since the passing out in the RE’s office days.
Sunday was the Egg Retrieval surgery. We got there for our 9am appointment, they took us back there, got me into a gown and booties and a hairnet. Then Jon came and sat with me, I got the antibiotic IV put in my arm and then…..I just kind of crumbled. I know, I know. I’m sick of hearing about my mental issues too, but the story has to be told as it really happened. I cried while the dude talked to me about anesthesia. I cried while the doctor talked to me about the retrieval itself. I was a disaster.
They finally walked me back into the operating room, I got on the table, I got oxygen, I kept crying. Before I was out, I could feel them really really roughly putting in the speculum and kept crying. And then I woke up back in the room with Jon, fell back asleep for a while. When I was finally feeling more awake, the doctor came and told me that they retrieved 19 eggs. Awesome.
Went home, slept for a while, went out for a dinner with my whole family that my mom had on our calendar for months. Nearly fell asleep at the table at my sister’s restaurant, but I was there!
Monday was a little worse. My stomach was distended, felt full and tender to the touch. I could barely stand up straight. It hurt to cough, laugh, move in bed, use my stomach muscles for anything. There were shooting pains. Oh, and I had people in my house replacing all of our windows and they started upstairs so I could go to bed. I felt awful. BUT, I got a call that 18 of our eggs fertilized.
When the nurse called, I thought she said eight and I said “hey, half isn’t too bad, right?” and she was like “um, no. EIGHTEEN. You have a small army growing.” So, that made me happy. Hopefully some will be good enough to freeze because if we have to go through the ER process again we will not be going through the ER process again..if you know what I mean.
Tuesday was even worse. The window people were back, I could barely move without hurting. Jon had to come home at 1pm with more Gatorade to let me go take a nap. Tuesday night we went to go vote. The drive there was torture. And when we got to our polling place, there were senior citizens walking in and out of the building going faster than me with hopefully less pain. We got home, I cried for an hour and went to bed. Before that, I told Jon that if we had a three day transfer and it was on Wednesday and I felt the same, I really didn’t think I could go through with it feeling this awful.
Luckily Wednesday I woke up and felt about 80%. I could move a little better, my stomach wasn’t hard and distended and I could walk. Annnnd as it so happened, I got a call that we were going to be a 5 day transfer anyway.
So, Friday (tomorrow!) at noon, we’ll head in for the transfer, which I am actually NOT worried about at all. After 5 IUIs I think I’ll be fine. Apparently we have to do it with a full bladder which doesn’t sound as fun, but I can deal with having to pee for a little while. After everything it seems like the least that we’ve gone through :p
I seriously have to wait three and a half hours until Jon can stab me with this huge f’ing trigger shot.
I got the call earlier that I can trigger tonight for an egg retrieval on Sunday. But my trigger shot time is 11pm (sidebar, on Fridays we are almost always asleep at like, 9:30 for some weird reason so Jon will be stabbing me while sleepy. Awesome.).
Like everything in this process, I’m worried about him getting it in the muscle. My nurse this morning drew a little circle bullseye for him, but I’m still worried. And I have to sit and think about how I’m worried for another 3.5 hours. Ick.
….I guess my previous entry about not complaining/having grace during this process just went right out the window, huh? Good lord.
I’m coming to the end of stims (yay!)
Monday’s blood & ultrasound were good but I wasn’t there yet.
Thursday (yesterday) – blood & ultrasound showed 17 follicles. The nurse who called said she thought one or two more days. So I drove the 40 minutes there, 40 minutes back in the morning for the appointment. Then when she called, I had to drive there and back again in the afternoon to pick up a refill on Follistim so I could take it last night. That was kind of annoying.
This morning at blood & ultrasound I had 23 follicles. Went to the appointment, then went to pick up sperm and came home. I’m hoping to get a call back soon to tell me if I trigger tonight for a retrieval surgery on Sunday or if I take another night of Follistim and go back in the morning for another blood/ultrasound for probable trigger on Sat/retrieval on Mon.
Since I have more shots behind me than I do before me (hopefully just the trigger shot left..lets all cross our fingers that Jon can do it. I’m concerned) I can honestly say that this process really hasn’t been as bad as I expected it to be. Yes, I still have the trigger shot and retrieval to worry about, but so far, things haven’t been nearly as bad as I imagined. I got used to taking the shots pretty quickly and aside from a couple of days of mood swings, some heightened thirst and sleepiness and some discomfort in the ovary area…it’s been fine.
Not that this is something I want to do again, but if I HAD to at least I know what to expect now. I feel lucky that I haven’t had many side effects and that I’m looking at a great amount of follicles.
Also looking back at this though I wish I were the type of woman who handles these things with more grace. Some days that I was uncomfortable (although probably not more uncomfortable than I am now pre-retrieval) I did some complaining. Or whining. Or was just generally lathargic/lazy. I kind of wish that maybe during the process I could just told myself that I was lucky to be a best-case-scenario version of IVF and shut up. I can’t say that I won’t complain ever again through pregnancy or even the next few days, but I do want to keep reminding myself to be a little more thankful and try to handle anything that comes with more grace. Or, as Kelly Cutrone puts it, to put some gratitude in my attitude…something that I probably should have been doing for years now.
(And the “Other Things I Do Not Have” portion – patience, an even-temper, the ability to plan ahead for anything..)